Heart Dead?

When a straight line makes its way across the monitor screen, indicating no response to stimulation, the patient is declared dead.

———————————————————————————————————————–

One day I asked my heart,

Would you like it if…?

no response______________________________________________________

How about…?

no response, just silence, a long line ———————————————————-

I wondered

Am I “heart dead”?

Have the tempests stilled the dizzying depths of emotion, the heavy heights of passion, the breathy breadth of response?

Can I no longer count on a “gut feeling” to guide me?

I remembered taking a walk

no phone, no umbrella,

yet the storm clouds gathered themselves gloomily in the distance,

and I could not smile.

My daughter offered to teach my mouth to smile and

I responded that the smile must come from the heart, from a feeling.

Finally, the charcoal clouds overhead started bumping up against each other angrily, and I said, “Let’s go back.”

We turned back and my daughter observed a smile had formed on my lips.

My heart had started beating, when we turned back.

Must I turn back from this path? to find a response?

But what is “back” when one is speaking metaphorically about a direction in life?

What do I want to do? Why is it so hard to know after all these years of education and living?

How can I pursue my passion, if I don’t know what that is?

Or, is it that I don’t think my passions, pursue-able? How does one earn a living talking, writing, thinking about ideas, which spring up from literature? Except to teach, and to assist others in the pursuit.  Teaching has not opened its doors to me. What then shall I do?

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